24th January, 2015.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
I know it's been awhile since I post something up but I guess I wanted to say something about my life at the moment. And how I currently am feeling lately.
I've been so busy. So overwhelmed by so many things. I've been a part of a new group of friends ever since I switched majors and the stress is there, but I'm happier. Yet, due to unforeseen circumstances, I fell into depression so many times as life goes on since then.
Just not too long ago, I was at my happiest I've ever been, and yet life as it is, just had to do this to me by ripping it off of me, leaving me confused and hurt, because as much as I'm happy with the way I was at that time, I don't need to go for retail therapy or do anything drastic to make me feel that way. And when the time came where I felt so much pain inside of me, I knew that there's nothing I can do to make it all better.
I can tell you something; life was never meant to be a bed of roses in the beginning. For years there were times I've tried to find my place in this world, yet with a goal to inspire people to always believe in themselves, realistically, it's pretty impossible with so many doubts and heartaches from the very start.
I know, because I was no stranger to them.
Another heartbreak came to me, and I knew it's going to take another long time to heal. I don't need to elaborate this, as this is more than just a love problem, because it's all about my life just as it is. Just when I'm trying to built my happiness all over again, this happened. And if you know me very well, I've been struggling to find happiness since I was very young. I made so much sacrifices to please others but myself, and I have no idea how to make me happy on my own.
And thus, I'd always find myself about to cry because I knew I couldn't take it anymore.
I could feel my heart getting stabbed by a dagger and feel it pulling out of me, and pushing it back to where it's hit.
And that feeling never goes away.
I would contemplate on skipping college for a week just to find myself or to take a day off with just a taxi and see how I will end up. Because I know I needed to go away. I wanted to let it out. I wanted to move my feet. I wanted to stop feeling so numb when I know that I don't want to trouble others with my petty problems, because they could feel like I'm a burden when I never felt that way to my friends. But because a human mind can be so complex, I chose not too trust too much in case I ever hurt somebody, or ultimately, hurt myself.
Yet, I still attend college. I submitted all my assignments. I'd have a B average and I'm still building up to get an A soon. I know I have a responsibility to fulfill. And I need to keep on living, because again, I'm used to it. I carry a trail of broken hearts wherever I go, and every glimmer of hope gets crushed whenever I found out the truth. I was never delusional. I was just hopeful and optimistic about the next step.
And yet, I was let down. All over again.
But what makes it all better is when I take some time off to breathe, and remember why I'm surrounded by so much positive vibes lately. It's because I have my faith, I have my loved ones, and I still have a glimpse of hope in the future.
I'll never know how much I've influenced people but I know that I still need to be there for people too. It's tough knowing that I've been through bad friendships in the past, and that's why I do not want to see others going through it too, and that's why I want to fill the void in their life by being there for them. And never in a million years, would I find my friends being there for me too.
Yes, my heart has grown harder but at the same time I'm grateful for other things as well. I've grown to be someone I've never thought I'd become, but to have my friends being there for me and a family to come home to, they're the light when I'm in a tunnel of negativity. And all it did was to fuel me to become a better person each day.Another point is that I've really counted my blessings and that I do know how strong I can be, because that's really my only option. And yet, I heal. Once I've mended myself, I'll help others to heal too. I'll encourage them, I'll tell them to believe in themselves. I want to hug each and everyone of you if I could. When someone comes to me with the exact same way of how I'd be there for them, I would be very touched. Because I knew that being kind would always come around somehow.
Thank you to each and everyone of you. Thank you to those who chose to be nice to me. Thanks to those who treated me like I've known them forever and that you still tried to make me feel good about myself.
There's no other words to be said but thank you, and may you all be blessed eternally from my ever grateful heart to yours.
And know that I will never stop being there for each and everyone of you, no matter if we're close or not, or even if we barely knew each other, I would love to give you a hug and be your listener, and encourage you every step of the way.
Thank you for building me into a person I am now. And thank you for making me a person you would come to, good or bad.
All my sacrifices, all my love given away, all the scars I've had in the past and still carrying them now, they're worth it. I'd gladly show them to everyone how much I've been through and know that I've never stopped being hopeful and I've never stopped giving people love they deserve,
Because to love, it's to be vulnerable. And to give love, it is to let it reign.